If you do not change direction, you might end up where you are heading.
~Lao Tzu
Sometimes I’m undeniably heading in the wrong direction. Sometimes, that direction isn’t heading toward the wrong destination so much as going in circles to avoid leaving a familiar comfort zone. Sometimes, that familiar and comfortable place isn’t the paradise I percieve it to be. It’s actually my own personal Hell but I’m so busy looking at silver linings that I miss the clouds.
I want to be clear that I’m not talking about Hell as the place where a guy in a red spandex suit pokes damned souls with a pitchfork. I’m talking about any situation involving generous portions of misery, torment, turmoil, uncertainty, abuse, or whatever else I just can’t endure.
The problem with the kind of Hell I’m describing is that it’s not typically that bad in the day-to-day. Days or even months can go by without feeling any real sting.
This, in my experience, is a frustrating place. When things are bad – really bad, my impulse is to leave. But when the dust of a bad experience settles, I see all the good things that make up the majority of the landscape. Leaving a view like that just never seems to feel like the right thing...
So, I travel in circles. Always taking in the scenery. Always looking at what’s wonderful about the place. Always turning my attention away from the things that I don’t like or can’t live with. With so much good, there’s no sense in focusing on what’s bad, right?
I’m a person who loves road trips. I’m also a person with a terrible sense of direction. Whenever I leave the house, I have my GPS going so that I can avoid getting lost. Even if I’m just out for a casual drive, I like to have the GPS set to guide me home. When I’m ready, I don’t want getting back to be a problem.
I think running circles in my own personal Hell is a lot like that. Maybe I don’t use a literal GPS but there is a part of my mind that points me back no matter how far away I go. When things are bad, I take a break. Once I’ve calmed down, I just have to follow the prompts home.
It feels good to be back in familiar surroundings. At least it feels good until the next time I need to escape.
Oscar Wilde said that “We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.”
I don’t want to live in Hell but I don’t want to give it up either.